Dad I miss you so much, i cant get it out of my head, all that suffering, giving you them pills when you didnt want to take anymore, i rubbed the cream on your head and opened a window for the breeze for you, but thats all i could do to help you. I wish i could have taken your pain away, i know your not in any pain now, but not seeing or hearing your voice anymore is very hard. No one knows how hard this is, i adore you, your were so special to me, those 6 weeks went so fast, yet since your funeral it seems such a long time ago yet it wasnt all that long ago. If someone had told me last christmas was the last christmas ever without you i would have laughed at them, yet it was. you used to ring me christmas morning to see what santa had bought the kids and what time i got up. you never opened your presents till after christmas dinner. You going to miss my wedding day, if only i had written that letter a month earlier, then you would have seen me getting married. I that will bug me for the rest of my days. Just that final wish, yet just our luck eh!If i wasnt feeling at my best you would ring me and just chatting to you cheered me up.You would always make me laugh with your dirty jokes, i miss them. I wanted to text you, but i know you wouldnt get it.its nearly christmas, i have still got your xmas tags for your presents, i cant bring myself to throw them away. i go on friends reunited to see your profile, just so i can feel closer to you. yet your gone i cant be anymore further away from you if i tried. I have some of your hair, yet i cant bare to look at it, even the pictures of you smiling (you were always smiling) makes me cry. You were such a massive part of my life, i dont know how long this pain will last, maybe my entire life, but i know you learn to live with it. i thought you would always be here, why didnt i think you would leave us? everyone dies sometime, i was so nieve to think my dad would live forever. you were so brave, i cried and you said dont cry so i stopped yet now i hear you in my head saying stop crying and i cant stop crying.I feel like i am going to die of a broken heart, yet i have my kids and bernie to look after me and vice versa, you told them to take care of me, and they are, but i want you as well. Dad i love you very much and think about you all the time, i chat to you as if you are here with us, i cant bare to think of you as gone and dead. But thats what you are gone and dead.Oh Dad what do i do without you? I just wish for just one more minute with you, just to hold you one more minute, or tell you just one more time that i love you, but you will still die, i want to turn the clock back and help you live but that cant be done, i didnt know the tumour wasnt operable, i didnt know you had been given 2 weeks to live, you lied to me, to save me all the pain, but you were so brave not telling anyone, because you say they treat you differently when you have cancer, dad i wouldnt have treated you differently, i would have cuddled you more and held you, but thats not a bad thing. You didnt want anyone fussing, but dad its because we love you that we fused over you.did you ever think that we loved you this much? why didnt you know how much we loved you, i tried to show you how much, i tried to see you as often as i could, i told you i loved you every time we talked over the phone, i was your favourite daughter!Your only daughter,I am sorry for everything i didnt do, i am sorry for everything i did do that was wrong, and those times i never got caught doing wrong, but i am not sorry for crying, or grieving, i cant help being this way, time heals, but i think you learn to live with it differently. I need time to find my own way of dealing with the fact that you have been taken away from us. from me I LOVE YOU,MISS YOU and your my dad and always will be. xx